Amys Blog

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Amys Blog

Councellizing never had it so good.

StandardDate: 23 Feb_A 00000051

Yippee ! A sandwich day today ! We've got THE BEST caterers for hosting our customers, and they do the most delicious selections known to mankind. With all the lunchtime competition, I've had to get fast and I've practicing this thing I saw with ostriches on a nature program. I can now down an entire turkey baguette without having to take a single bite. Around 3:00 oclock, I simply regurgitate and chew, chew, chew .... Yummy !

StandardDate: 21 Feb_A 00000051

Digging through some old boxes yesterday and came across this picture of Great Aunt Nettie and her dog Runty. Aunt Nettie was famous in our family for her ability to twist wine gums into animal shapes without dislodging her false teeth.

Aunt Nettie and Runty

StandardDate: 20 Feb_A 00000051

The local donut shop says they won't deliver here any more after the spitting incident.

StandardDate: 19 Feb_A 00000051

Caught Rodney duct-taping a live pig into Ken's sports car. On a happier note, the cowels arrived today for senior staff. Ken has ordered a pink latex one with ears.

StandardDate: 17 Feb_A 00000051

Been reading this great romantic novel about this woman who keeps waking up in the arms of historic characters. She's got this fabulous heaving busom which causes her flimsy blouse to fall open. So far, she's woken up in the arms of Cyrano De Bergerac, Napolean Bonapart, Julius Cesear, Abraham Lincoln, General Custer and Lemmy from Motorhead. I tried heaving my busom once with an old flame, but we only got it as far as the end of the garden.

StandardDate: 14 Feb_A 00000051

Spent my lunch hour in the veg department looking for a turnip shaped like a thingy.

StandardDate: 14 Feb_A 00000051

Still can't quite believe that oprah.com emailed me a series of articles on bowel movements, at least that's what the I.T. guy says happened. The titles are pretty bad ... "Get Moving with Oprah" and "Pound on the Piles", but the pictures that come with them are beyond the pale.

StandardDate: 12 Feb_A 00000051

Just got an office wide memo emailed from Ken asking all staff to bury their coffee cups in "annointed soup" whatever that means. These new edicts are going to cost a fortune because we all have our own ceramic mugs.

StandardDate: 10 Feb_A 00000051

Checked the free diary we got from the Watchtower Society. I think the printers must have something against them since apparently today is "Mad Piccolo Refurbishment Thursday", when in fact today is Monday.

StandardDate: 009.6 Feb_A 00000051

Finally found out the cute guy in Research Team A is called Hrall because he comes from Norway or Sweden or somewhere. It certainly goes with his chisled features, piercing blue eyes and cropped blond hair. I tried calling him all cool and casual on the phone, but I choked on a piece of muffin and his name came out sounding like I was trying to swallow my own snot from the outside. He must have recognised me because now every time he passes my desk he holds a handkerchief over his face.

Definitely 2 jets of flame

StandardDate: 08 Feb_A 00000051

I've been studying this photo for days now, and there is definitely a second jet of flame which can only be coming from this cute guy's urethra. If anybody has his phone number can they please let me know.

StandardDate: 07 Feb_A 00000051

I love doing the 'Ask Amy' column. Where else could a modern girl like me advise an orthodox jew and a mormon to go on a blind date together and to paint their toenails beforehand ? Haven't had so much fun since I arranged for that vegan to go out with a master of the hounds.

During the quiet moments, I talk to the lads in Research Team A. There's a cute blonde who insists on dressing in lederhosen which is a bit odd, but he's got buns you could eat ice-cream off of. I don't know if it's connected, you know the whole frozen food - genital thing but his colleagues insist on calling him numb-nuts (which is rather endearing).

StandardDate: 05 Feb_A 00000051

I think I've lost a day. I remember going to the shops and noticing that I had one boot and one slipper on because the car seemed to have a mind of its own. There was a SALE sign next over the beers and ciders counter... then the guy in the Santa Claus outfit, then the gymnasium, but between the aquarium and the casualty department, nothing except that I woke up wearing 2 pairs of knickers and I know I didn't start out with any.

StandardDate: 02 Jan_B 00000051

Brought Mr.Jinks home from the vet today. They told me the only way to cure his alopetia is to cut all his hair off and bathe him in iodine every other day. I've never done this before and when I asked Rhonda (who had a similar problem with her cat) to show me how she shaved her pussy, she gave me a look that raised the hairs on the back of my neck.

I nearly didn't get Mr Jinks ! We thought his mom was coughing up a hairball, but when we looked closer it was a kitten.

My favorite tipple, Scruttocks Olde Dirigible 21% proof Cider for Delinquent Teens, with a Vodka chaser.

This is my favorite movie. I've seen it about 15 times now and it just keeps getting funnier and funnier.

Amy's Beauty Tips

* Keep all your lipsticks in the refrigerator or in the coffee pot where they will be easy to find in the morning.

* A light gauge sandpaper is 4 times cheaper than exfoliating paper from the cosmetics counter.

* Use raw rather than cooked cucumber as a soothing cold eye compress.

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